What if she'd been wrong?
by CybrAngl
Summary: Penelope struggles with her actions and participation in NY. What if she'd miscalculated? What if Derek had died? M/G
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head. **

Penelope walked into her apartment and placed her go bag on the floor. She leaned back against the door and looked around. It was nice to be home and away from the Mayhem of the past week. The plane ride had been short and quiet. She spent the entire time looking out the window and planning her quiet evening at home. She picked up her go bag and headed to her room. There was a glass of wine and a bubble bath with her name on it and she was going to fully enjoy it.

She could hear the phone ringing in the background but she was determined to ignore it. She had placed candles in the bathroom and turned off all of her apartment lights. The volume on the answering machine had been lowered so she couldn't hear who was calling, but she already had a sneaky suspicion that it was Derek calling her and she just wasn't ready to deal with him.

She tried to erase the memory in her head of those terrifying minutes when she thought Derek had died. She will never forget how she felt when she heard him calling her name on the radio. The rush of emotions left her totally exhausted. She had begun to doze off when she was startled by the doorbell.

"_Who the hell is that at this hour?"_ She thought to herself as she got out of the tub and wrapped herself in a bathrobe. She walked to the door and peeked through the peep hole. Closing her eyes and biting her lower lip she placed her hand on the door knob but hesitated. She wasn't ready for this right now. All she wanted was some peace and quiet and time to think. She let out a deep breath and opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"You weren't answering the phone, I was worried. I tried your cell too but it kept going to voicemail. Is everything ok? Kevin said.

"Everything is FINE. I'm tired and I just wanted some alone time." She answered.

"I heard what happened. I'm sure that was really hard on you." He said

"It was hard on everyone. We all worked with Kate and her death was so pointless. She was young and had a lifetime ahead of her. "She replied.

She turned around to walk away and Kevin grabbed her arm gently. "Pen, I'm sorry about Kate and I'm sorry Agent Hotchner was hurt." Kevin said. He knew there was more to the story, but he wasn't sure he wanted to bring up Derek right now. That was a whole can of worms that was better left sealed.

"Thank you Kevin and please don't think I don't appreciate your coming over, but really I'd like to be alone." She said.

"I can just sit here quietly with you. I won't talk, I'll just hold you and try and comfort you." He said.

"Then I wouldn't be alone would I?" She said with a spiteful tone.

"Penelope? Are you mad at me?" Kevin asked

"Not yet!" she said. She took a deep breath and tried to reel herself back in. "Kevin, I'm sorry. No I'm not mad at you; I'm not upset with you. I just need to be by myself. I want to be able to unwind and make sense of everything alone." Penelope said.

"This is about him isn't it?" Kevin asked

"OH MY GOD, Kevin PLEASE! I'm having a hard enough time dealing with everything that went on in NY, there is no way I can sit here and walk through your insecurities about Morgan!" She said impatiently.

"It's always about HIM. Every time you and I have an issue, he's the reason behind it. He calls; you run. He comes over; you drop everything you're doing. You get mad at him and I'm the one that pays for it!" He yelled.

Penelope pulled her arm away from Kevin's. She didn't need this, not today. ESPECIALLY not today. All she asked for was some time. Just a little bit of time to sort through her mind and get her emotions in order. "Kevin, this is NOT about Derek. It's not about YOU. This is about ME! I lost a co-worker and could have lost my boss. My ENTIRE team could have died in that blast. As it is, I was on the radio with one of my teammates for the ENTIRE ride praying that my directions and guidance could get him to safety. Praying that I hadn't miscalculated the amount of time we had left. Praying that I wasn't so much as 5 seconds off because if I had been wrong, he would have died and THAT would have been MY cross to bare! N O W P L E A S E L E A V E!" She yelled.

Kevin lowered his head. He hadn't looked at things from that angle and realized he'd pushed the wrong buttons tonight. Without looking up at her he turned around and headed for the door. "I'll umm .. call me when you want to talk." He said and with that he left her apartment.

Penelope collapsed on the couch and started to cry. The combination of the wine and her exhaustion finally got the better of her and she fell asleep. The phone rang and she reached for it in her sleep.

"Pen, are you ok?" JJ asked

"JJ?" Penelope said with a sleepy voice.

"Pen, its 7:30 are still asleep?" JJ asked

"Oh my god! I didn't hear the alarm clock. I'll be right in." Penelope said frantically.

She hung up with JJ and ran to her bedroom. She grabbed her clothes from the closet and ran into the bathroom to shower. She was ready in less than 20 minutes and was running out the door. She hadn't thought about her fight with Kevin until she started driving. She knew that Kevin had a problem with Derek. He was very insecure when it came to her friendship with him. She tried to reassure him many times that Derek simply didn't see her that way. Kevin couldn't understand her relationship with the team much less with Derek. He always accused Derek of being a player. He said that Derek would do or say anything to get into anyone's pants. He simply couldn't understand why she would befriend someone like that. By the time she'd made it to Quantico she knew she'd need to talk to Kevin and apologize for her reaction. But she also knew that she'd have to end their relationship. It wasn't healthy for either of them. She wasn't sure he'd accept just being friends, but she was sure that she couldn't accept anything but friendship from him.

Everyone was in the bullpen when she arrived. Normally everyone would be gathered together at someone's desk and they'd all be drinking coffee and laughing this early in the morning. Not today. They were all hard at work at their desks. The bullpen was quiet. Something was definitely off. She opted to go straight to her office and turned around without being noticed and walked down the hall.

After she had settled in, she called JJ.

"Hi JJ, I'm just calling to let you know I'm in." Penelope told her

"We're waiting on Hotch. He went to get his ear checked out this morning. As soon as he gets here he wanted us all to meet in the conference room." JJ told her

"Another case?" Penelope asked.

"Not that I'm aware of. He wouldn't say what it was about, just that he wanted everyone there." JJ said.

Penelope noticed something different on her desk. She reached out to pick it up. "Uhh Ok JJ just let me know when I need to get up there." She said and hung up before JJ could acknowledge.

She held the most beautiful glass figurine. It was an Angel with large flowing wings standing next to an hour glass filled with sparkling sand. She had never seen anything like it. On the base was a tiny light that turned different colors and when turned on illuminated an engraving that said "_I can wait_"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head. **

They were all gathered in the conference room when Hotch walked in. He closed the door behind him as he usually did to give them some privacy. "Thank you all for being here. I know it's been a rough couple of days for everyone and I appreciate your coming in today. I spoke to Detective Brustin last night and he said the NYPD was holding a service for Kate day after tomorrow. Since there isn't much of a chance that we'll be able to go to London for her burial, I thought you all would like to know in case you planned on attending. I'll be driving up, I'm still not allowed to fly" Hotch said.

"We can all go together" Rossi said.

"I'll be taking my own car; I have a few appointments I've set up. I'll be staying there a few days." Hotch said.

"Appointments?" Derek asked.

"The doctors seem to think I might have hearing loss because of my injury. I need to see a few specialists and get 2nd and 3rd opinions. I can't be very effective in the field if I have a hearing impairment." Hotch explained.

"Do they think it's permanent?" JJ asked.

Hotch shrugged. "They aren't sure, that's why I need to see a few more doctors." Hotch answered.

"What time do we leave tomorrow?" Emily asked.

"I'll be heading out in the morning but everyone can set their own schedules. I've talked to Strauss, we have the week off. They weren't expecting us to be in today at all. She did ask that we finish up our reports before we left." Hotch said.

They all got up to leave and go finish their paperwork. "Morgan, can I see you in my office please." Hotch asked.

"Sure thing." He replied as he watched Penelope leave the room. She hadn't spoken two words in his direction since that night. He knew she was upset at him but he had promised to wait, and so he gave her the time and space she needed. Hotch called him again and he snapped out of his daze and walked over to Hotch's office.

"Close the door" Hotch said.

"The New York Office is pressuring me for an answer. They want to know if you'll take the job. They need to get the position filled." Hotch said.

Derek hadn't had any time to think this through. He had just gotten back and if he had to be honest with himself, Hotch's words about his trust issues had hit home. He wasn't sure what he was going to do. "I don't know" he said shaking his head and biting the inside of his lower lip. "I really don't know"

"I need to give them answer." Hotch pressured.

"I don't have one Hotch. They can't expect me to up and move without thinking it all through. "Derek said

"What's holding you back? Hotch asked.

"You" Derek said tightening his jaw. "You're holding me back"

"Is this about our conversation in NY? Because if it is there's something I need to clarify." Hotch said.

"I'm all ears" Derek said

"I stand behind my observation, you still have trust issues. That doesn't mean I don't believe you're a damn good agent. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't trust you with my life. Let me ask you this, why did you do it?" Hotch asked

Derek let out a deep breath. He stood there looking at Hotch for a few seconds before replying. "Hotch, who on this team would have had any possibility of defusing that bomb? I worked with the bomb division for 18 months specializing in these devices. We had no time to get the bomb squad out there, much less, time for them to diffuse it. We sure as hell didn't have time to clear the Hospital. Hell, by the time we were able to find the guy, the cell disruption was over. We would all have been killed. It was a no brainer Hotch." Derek said.

"You didn't answer my question." Hotch said staring him down.

"Dammit Hotch; what do you want from me?" Derek said, his voice sounding agitated. Hotch kept silent. Derek rubbed his chin but hesitated in his reply. "I grew up without a father; I know what that's like. There was no way in hell I was going to let Jack grow up without his."

Derek's answer stunned Hotch. "I'll let NY know you need more time." Hotch said. Derek was visibly upset. It was at times like this that he felt that Hotch didn't validate anyone's reasoning but his own. Without saying a word, Derek walked out.

Hotch sat in his office and went over the conversation with Derek. Everything Derek had said about the bomb was right. He was the most qualified to deal with it. There was no time for the bomb squad. Derek's actions had effectively saved hundreds of lives. If Derek had stayed behind and not acted as he did, they all would have been dead.

Derek grabbed his jacket from his chair and walked out of the bullpen. He wanted to go to Penelope's office, no, he needed to go to Penelope's office but she was the last person he could discuss the actions of that night with. He knew he had put her through hell. It broke his heart that he had been the one to make her cry. He couldn't put her through any more emotional stress. He turned his cell phone off and walked out the front door.

JJ and Emily stood in the bullpen and watched as Derek left. They didn't know what had happened but whatever it was, they both decided that talking to Hotch about it was going to be pointless.

"I wonder if this has to do with NY?" JJ said.

"Do you think he'll take the job?" Emily asked.

"I don't know. It's a great opportunity for him. Does Penelope know about this?" JJ asked.

"I haven't talked to her about it so I don't know. Lately any mention of Derek's name gets a quick subject change with her." Emily said.

"I'm sure she'll come to terms with what happened in NY in her own time. I think we all will." JJ said.

"Yea but what if he takes the job? How is she going to handle that?" Emily said.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head. **

Penelope went back to her office after the meeting. She was going to finish up her reports and get ready to leave. As she placed her files on her desk she couldn't help but look at the beautiful statue. She turned on its light and smiled as the words illuminated. A soft knock could be heard on the door and she turned off the light quickly and said "come in"

JJ peeked into her office. "Hey Em and I are going to lunch, you coming?" JJ asked.

"No I have to pass. I want to finish this report and get going. I didn't do anything at home last night and I need to get ready to go to NY. Are you two driving up together?" Penelope asked.

"Actually Hotch already made the arrangements. He figured we might need to have transportation for a few folks up there as well so he's requested three vehicles. Rossi and Reid are taking one, you and Derek are taking one and Em and I are taking one" JJ said.

"JJ can I go with you and Em instead? Penelope asked

"Oh, you think Kevin would be upset?" JJ asked.

"It doesn't matter what Kevin thinks!" Penelope snapped.

JJ walked completely into her office and closed the door. "Ok, spill it" JJ said as she grabbed another chair and rolled it near Penelope and sat down.

Penelope explained as best she could what had happened the night before with Kevin. She told JJ about all the fights they'd been having recently and how they all centered around the team but more so around Derek.

"Ok so have you tried to reason with him? He doesn't really know us, maybe you should get him more involved so he doesn't feel so threatened by us" JJ said and then noticed the beautiful statue on her desk.

"JJ I've more than tried to get him to realize how important you all are to me. He won't listen. He just focuses on Derek." Penelope said and was interrupted by JJ "That's beautiful, when did you get it?"

"It was here this morning." Penelope smiled. "It was a surprise"

"Awww now see, he's already apologizing Pen, why don't you try to work it out with him?" JJ asked.

"I will, I just need to get this whole Kevin thing out of the way first. I know what I have to do…" Penelope started saying but again JJ interrupted.

"Huh? Wait, who are you talking about?" JJ asked all confused.

Penelope looked at JJ and realized she thought that Kevin had sent the statue. "The statue is a gift from Derek." Penelope clarified.

"Ok now I'm really confused. What's with the "I can wait" thing? I just assumed that was Kevin's way of saying he was sorry." JJ asked.

"Ok Blondie, one story at a time. First Kevin." Penelope said with a grin. "As I was saying, I know what I have to do. I need to break clean. We're not working out. I think he's a great guy but I want a relationship I can be myself in. I want to be able to enjoy someone's company and not worry about what I'm going to say or who's going to call me. I want the butterflies in my stomach, the I can't wait till I can see you feeling that you get when you're with that one special person." Penelope continued.

"You want Derek Morgan" JJ said and cocked her head to the side.

"What I want and what I can get are two totally different things." Penelope said.

"How do you know if you don't try?" JJ asked grabbing her hand. "Pen, we all see it. The way he looks at you, the way he talks to you or about you. The way you brighten his expression whenever you walk into the room. The way he brings you into the conversation even when you're not around."

"JJ he could have died. He could have DIED and it would have been my fault!" Penelope said as she burst into tears.

"Pen, he made the decision to take that ambulance himself. You didn't make it for him." JJ said softly.

"What if I'd been wrong? JJ what if he'd died. Oh my god what if he depended on me for guidance and because of it he was gone?" Penelope spewed the words out so quickly they were barely understandable.

JJ wrapped her arms around Penelope and tried to get her to calm down. "Pen, he didn't die, you weren't wrong and he depends on you because he trusts you. HE trusts YOU." JJ said.

Penelope sobbed uncontrollably on JJ's shoulder. She was mumbling something that JJ couldn't quite understand. She grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back and asked "What did you just say?"

"I got mad at him. He wanted me to promise him something and I couldn't because I was mad." Penelope said as she wiped the tears from her face.

"I'm sure you two will work things out. You always do." JJ said.

"You don't understand. He kept trying to tell me something that night. I told him to save it and get out. Lisa was counting down the seconds and I was terrified. JJ when he lost tracking my heart stopped. I thought he was dead. I couldn't breathe. When he contacted me he told me I was his god given solace and he wanted me to promise him that no matter what, I'd never stop talking to him. We haven't spoken since." Penelope said lowering her head.

JJ was shocked. Never in her wildest dreams would she have believed that Derek would ever admit much less vocalize that much feeling. She always knew deep down that they were meant for each other. A connection that strong didn't just happen without a good reason. Everyone could see it. Everyone except Penelope and Derek. The revelation made the next question that much harder to ask.

"So you don't know?" JJ asked

"Huh? Know what?" Penelope asked.

"Sweetie, he's been requested by NY. They want him to replace Kate. Hotch told him before they left NY." JJ said.

Penelope covered her mouth with her hands. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Hotch approved this?" She asked.

"Doesn't seem to matter whether or not he does. They've already requested his transfer. It's up to him. Hotch ripped into him because of what he did but I'm sure the lecture had nothing to do with his actions I think it had more to do with the fact that Hotch really doesn't want him to go." JJ said.

JJ gave Penelope the details of the conversation as told to her by Derek. When she mentioned that Hotch accused him of having Trust issues, Penelope got upset. She stood up from her chair and was indignant. "How can he say that?? He trusted his team to find the son of a bitch in time to stop the detonation. He trusted me to get him out of there. He placed his life on the line and unconditionally handed us all control!" Penelope yelled.

"Hey now, you can't shoot the messenger. Remember, Hotch wasn't himself that night and like I said, I don't think this has anything to do with what Derek did. I really believe Hotch doesn't want Derek to go. Hotch is way too controlled to allow himself to show any sort of attachment." JJ said

"Where's Derek now?" Penelope asked.

"We figured you knew. He stormed out of Hotch's office earlier today and we haven't heard from him." JJ said.

Penelope picked up her purse and phone. "I have to go" she said.

"Where are you going?" JJ said

"I need to find him. I need to talk to him." Penelope said desperation in her voice.

"What are you going to say to him?" JJ asked.

"I don't know yet. I know one thing I'll say though" Penelope said.

"What's that?" JJ asked

"That I promise" Penelope replied. She hit the speed dial on her cell and left her office.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head. **

**Thank you so very much for the wonderful reviews. You are wonderful! **

He sat in his truck looking out on the Chesapeake Bay and trying to sort out his thoughts. Whenever he felt this way he always ran to Penelope. She had a way of reeling him back in and helping him sort through the problem. It was killing him that he had put her through that in NY. He knew he was wrong and it was selfish, but his only thought at the time was if he was going to die, he wanted her voice to be the last thing he heard. He wanted to tell her what she meant to him. He wanted her to know that she was his everything and that he loved her. He would have said it too, but he ran out of time and instead, since he'd survived, he felt it was only right to respect her relationship with Kevin and hold back on his true feelings. He had no one to blame but himself and he knew it. For years they danced around each other maintaining a safe distance when things got too close. When he almost lost her, he got the nerve to say it but she misunderstood, she thought he had meant it in a brotherly way and Kevin moved in before he could clarify. It was for the best, she obviously didn't feel the same way he did or Kevin would never have been allowed in.

Hotch was a whole other issue. He wasn't sure what bothered him more, his accusation about not trusting or his lack of confidence in his ability and unwillingness to give him a recommendation. The logic was clear. There was no time to get the bomb squad there much less to diffuse it. None of the team members had ever worked with the bomb division except him. He had no choice but to rely on them to catch the bomber and on Penelope to get him out. It was a lose lose situation. He knew Hotch's mind wasn't clear, understandably so. But how can you justify losing hundreds of lives versus the loss of one. Even if that one, was his.

Then of course there was the job in NY and the pressure of making a decision. The prospect of leading the NY office was a challenge. He loved challenges and never backed away from them. This would mean leaving his team behind and Penelope. This would be a major change, but maybe that's what he needed. A fresh start, away from her. Where he wouldn't have to watch her leave with Kevin day in and day out. Where he wouldn't have to look at her and know that she would be in someone else's arms and not his. He needed to talk to her. He needed … he needed her.

He reached for his cell and turned it on. Without even looking he hit the speed dial.

"Hotchner"

"Hotch; tell NY I'm taking the job." Morgan said.

Hotch was silent for a minute. "Have you thought this through? Hotch asked.

"I've been doing nothing but thinking for the last 4 hours. This is what I want." Derek said coldly.

"I'll get the paperwork going as soon as we get there." He replied. "I requested 3 SUV's for the trip. You and Garcia can take one of them up; they'll be ready at 9am"

Before Derek could say another word, he heard a click. Derek shook his head. He never would have thought that Hotch of all people would want to hold him back. He started his truck and drove home.

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Penelope was trying to stay calm. She had searched for Derek in all the usual places and had come up empty. She'd left him 3 voicemails but every time she checked her phone there were no missed calls. _"Where the hell are you?"_ She said to herself. She heard a knock on the door and quickly ran to open it.

"Oh Kevin, hi come in." She said as she stepped aside to let him in.

"You sound disappointed. Were you expecting someone else?" He asked sarcastically.

"Nobody knows where Morgan is. He's not answering his cell" Penelope said.

"And of course you assumed he would come here. I can understand the disappointment now, instead of him it's me" he said with anger in his voice.

"Kevin" Penelope said but he quickly interrupted her.

"Look Penelope please don't appease me. I can see what's happening here. It couldn't be any clearer if the writing were on the wall. Why not just be honest and upfront with me." He pleaded.

"Kevin I'm so sorry" she said as tears began to form in her eyes. "I wanted to talk to you about this and I was going to call you but…" she started to say.

"But Derek was more important." Kevin finished her sentence.

"Please don't say that. That's not what it is at all. I really care for you and I know you don't believe that but it's true. I just don't feel the same way you do. You're a great guy and you deserve someone that will love you without any reservations. You deserve someone better than me." Penelope said softly.

"Pen, I love you and I want to work this out between us. What can I do? Please just tell me and I'll do it!" He pleaded.

Penelope swallowed hard. She didn't like hurting him but she knew she had to be honest. She owed that much to him. "You haven't done anything wrong Kevin. It's me. I'm the one that's broken here. I really thought I'd be able to get him off my mind and out of my heart. When I thought he died in that blast I realized just how engrained he is in my soul." Penelope began to sob.

Kevin reached out to her. "Does he know? I mean does he realize how lucky he is? He asked.

Penelope shook her head. "I can't and won't say anything."

"Pen, he's an idiot if he lets you slip away. " Kevin said as he leaned into her and kissed her cheek. "You need to be honest with him or at the very least, honest with yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened?" He asked.

"All I keep thinking about is what if I'd been wrong? What if he'd died because of me?" She said.

"You weren't wrong so you have a second chance to let him know. But if you really want an answer to that question it's simple. He would have died without knowing. Could you have lived with that?" Kevin said.

"No I couldn't." She said. She reached over and hugged Kevin. "Thank you. You truly are a good person and I know you'll find someone that deserves you" she said.

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When Derek finally made it home all he could think about was taking a shower and going to bed. He wasn't sure how he was going to sleep but knew he had a long drive ahead of him in the morning and needed to. He would break the news to Penelope on the drive up. He heard his phone buzz and grabbed it. He had 3 new voice mail messages. He clicked to listen.

"_Derek it's me. Where are you? Call me please?" _

He saved the message and listen to the second one.

"_Derek, I'm getting worried I can't find you anywhere. I've been by your house and by the usual places you hang out. I don't know where to look anymore! Please call me" _

He pressed the save button once again and listened to the final message.

"_Derek, I promise" _

He pressed the repeat button and listened to those words over and over.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head. **

**Thank you so very much for the wonderful reviews. You are wonderful! **

"Hey baby girl" Derek said when Penelope picked up the phone.

"Derek? Are you ok? Where are you? Why haven't you answered your phone? Penelope rattled off.

"Whoa sweetness, I'm fine. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you worry." He said.

"That seems to be the pattern with you lately." Penelope said angrily.

"I had a few things on my mind I needed to sort out." He said.

"Where are you?" Penelope asked again.

"I'm home. Listen, Hotch wants us to drive up together with one of the SUV's, so I'll pick you up at 8 is that ok? He asked smoothly changing the subject.

"Umm yea that's fine" she said. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night Garcia" he said

"Good night Derek" she replied and then heard a click.

She closed her phone and stared at it for a few minutes. He sounded strange almost disconnected. She knew what was going through his mind thanks to JJ but she thought for sure he'd at least mention something to her about it; after all he didn't know she knew anything about NY. She walked into room to start packing but her thoughts were elsewhere. She put things in her bag without even noticing what they were. Her thoughts were focused on him leaving. How the hell was she going to handle the BAU without Derek? She loved her team, all of them. But she was IN-LOVE with Derek. The idea that she wouldn't be able to see him or talk to him daily was more than she could handle. She knew this was a good opportunity for him. This is what they all worked for. He would be leading his own team. He was young and he was being given the opportunity of a lifetime. She knew he wasn't into the political aspect of the job, but he would handle it. She HAD to be happy for him. No matter how much it hurt and no matter how much she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs DON'T GO she couldn't be selfish. She loved him enough to let him go. She sat on her bed and placed her hands over her face. She couldn't hold back anymore.

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Derek laid in bed staring at the ceiling. He couldn't seem to shut off his mind. He knew he would have to talk to Penelope about NY and he had to do it before they got there. Hotch would be putting in the transfer papers while they were there and everyone would be talking about it. He didn't want her hearing it from anyone but him. He owed her that. She had been his rock for well over 4 years. From the moment they met, the first time he ever called her baby girl, she had been his connection to normalcy. He smiled as memories of their time together flashed through his head. The times they'd sit on her couch and watch old movies to all hours of the night. He didn't like them much but they sure made her smile and that's all that mattered to him. He thought about the times they'd spend in her office just talking while she repaired one of her babies. He had so many memories he couldn't really pick a favorite. Anytime they spent together just felt ……. Right.

Derek heard a knock on the door. He looked at the clock on his nightstand and saw it was 11:30pm. He got out of bed quickly and went to the door. He was surprised to find Kevin standing there as he opened it.

"Kevin? What are you doing here? Is Penelope ok?" Derek asked.

"She's fine. Can we talk?" Kevin asked.

"Yea sure man. Come on in. What's going on?" Derek asked a little confused.

"That's ok I'm fine here, this will only take a minute. I just wanted to say that I think you're a fool if you let her get away. She's the best thing that could happen to you and if you don't see that, you're a bigger fool than I thought." Kevin said.

"Excuse me?" Derek said eyes wide open and jaws clenched tight.

"You heard me. She's very special and deserves to be treated that way." Kevin said as he stood straight and toe to toe with Morgan.

"Have you been drinking?" Derek asked trying to sort out the conversation.

"What kind of profiler are you anyway?" Kevin said, the cockiness in his voice now beginning to irritate Derek.

"The kind that will kick your ass soon if you don't start making some sense." Derek growled.

"She broke up with me tonight because she doesn't love me. That's how it normally works isn't it? The guy that wears his heart on his sleeve never wins. I don't get it. I would have given her anything she wanted. I'd do anything for her. Instead, she wants the guy that believes a relationship consists of a drink, a dance, and a one night stand." Kevin said bitterly.

"You don't know anything about me. Take a good look around Kevin, there's no drinks, no music, and nobody but me in this house. Now if you'll excuse me I do believe this conversation is over." Derek said and slammed the door.

"You're a fool" Kevin yelled from behind the door and walked to his car and drove away.

"_It must be rip Derek a new asshole day_" Derek mumbled as he walked back into bedroom. As he reached his bed, the words he'd heard but hadn't registered repeated in his head. _"She broke up with me tonight. She doesn't love me. She wants the guy that believes a relationship consists of a drink, a dance and a one night stand. You're a fool."_ Derek grabbed his jacket and ran towards the door grabbing his keys on the way out.

Derek parked his car on the street and ran up to Penelope's apartment. He stood in front of her door and took a deep breath. He knocked on the door and waited. He heard her footsteps coming up to the door and said "Baby girl, it's me."

"Angel it's late! What are you doing here? Are you ok? She asked as she opened the door.

She looked incredible Derek thought. Derek couldn't help but stare at her. Penelope stood there waiting for Derek to say something. When he didn't, she reached over and grabbed his arm to guide him inside. "Derek, what's wrong?" She asked gently.

Derek snapped out of daze. "Nothing's wrong Baby girl I just needed to see you, I needed to talk to you." He said.

She knew what was coming and braced for it. "I was wondering how long it would take you to tell me about NY." She said sadly.

Derek gave her a confused look. "How'd you know about that?" He asked.

"JJ told me. We talked this afternoon." Penelope said. "Do you want something to drink?" She asked.

"No, I'm fine. I wish JJ hadn't said anything. I wanted to tell you myself." He said.

"It wasn't her intention to tell me. She thought I knew. She also told me what Hotch said." Penelope told him.

Derek's eyes widened. "What is she? The town crier?" Derek said a little upset.

"Don't be mad at her she was trying to console me and the conversation just led to this." Penelope explained.

"Yea ummm speaking of which, I heard about you and Kevin." Derek said awkwardly.

Penelope raised her eyebrows and said "Guess I'm not the only one with a town crier now am I?" She said tilting her head. "Who told you?"

"Kevin. Guess he felt the need to pick up where Hotch left off" he said.

"Derek I'm so sorry. I didn't know he'd" but Derek interrupted her.

"Baby, it's not your fault. Are you ok with all of this?" He asked as he grabbed her and gently caressed it.

"It was my decision. I'm fine with it." She said. "You changed the subject. This isn't about me. Tell me about NY."

Derek took a deep breath and asked Penelope to sit down. "This can't be good." She said. "You're taking the job?"

Derek looked down. He couldn't look into her eyes. She cupped her hands around his face and forced him to look at her. "You said yes already didn't you?" She asked.

Derek simply nodded. "It'll be official while we're in NY"


	6. Chapter 6

Penelope simply stared at him as her eyes filled with tears. _"Tell him you're happy for him Penelope. Tell him you're happy if he's happy. Say Something!" _ She slowly released his face from her hands and stood up. Clearing her throat she said "I need something to drink want something?" Turning around quickly so he couldn't see the tears.

"No I'm ok" Derek said. Derek walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. Slowly he turned her to him. He placed a hand on her cheek and wiped the tears with him thumb. Pulling her to him he placed a kiss on her forehead and held her tight. "I'm going to miss you" he said. "I was thinking we could plan week end trips every now and then and get together to catch up." He said.

Penelope stayed quiet and acknowledged what he said by simply nodding. She knew if she said anything at all she would lose total control. She felt his strong hands pressing her to him and prayed that he wouldn't let go.

"You're awfully quiet" he whispered in her ear. His voice was husky and deep. She closed her eyes and tried to ride out the chills it was sending through her body.

"I'm trying to be strong" she answered meekly.

"I don't want you to be strong; I need you to be honest with me, like you've always been." Derek said as he placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to his. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked directly into his eyes.

"I'm just a little emotional today. It's been a long couple of days." Penelope said.

"Penelope you told me the break up was your idea but you said JJ was consoling you this afternoon. I'm a little confused." Derek said.

"JJ saw the Angel you sent me. She asked me about the engraving. She wanted to know what it meant and I told her." Penelope started to say

"You needed consoling because I sent you an Angel?" Derek said raising his eyebrow.

She stepped out of his arms and took a deep breath. She needed to focus on her words and being in his arms did little for her focus abilities. She wiped the tears from her face as she spoke. "When everything in NY was over I had a bit of a breakdown. I realized you could have died and I could have been the one to cause it." She said.

"What?" Derek asked confused

"What if I'd been wrong? What if instead of 3 minutes you really only had 2? All these thoughts went through my mind and I broke down. What if you had died? How could I live knowing I had caused it?" Penelope said but was quickly interrupted by Derek.

"Whoa baby! I didn't die and you weren't wrong. You didn't put me in that ambulance. " Derek said adamantly.

"But" Penelope started.

He placed his index finger on her lips. "But nothing. There are no buts. I'm alive and I'm here and I owe it to you. I trusted you to get me out of there and you did." He tried to assure her. "Hotch is wrong you know. I am capable of trusting. I don't trust easily but I trust you unconditionally" He told her. "I trust them all but with you it's different" he added.

"Different how?" She asked

He wanted so much to tell her it was different because he was in love with her. Kevin was right. He'd been a fool. Even now he was holding back. He needed her more than he'd ever needed anyone. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. But he was afraid that once he let her know how he felt she would back off. He was afraid to lose her. Having her in his life as just a friend was better than not having her at all.

"Baby, why did you break up with Kevin? Derek asked.

"Because I didn't love him" Penelope said.

Derek looked at her waiting for more. "Is that it?" he asked surprised by her short answer.

She bit her lip nervously. "What better reason is there than not loving someone" she said. She pulled away from him and walked back to the couch. She needed to get out of his arms. When he held her she couldn't think straight. She couldn't tell him she loved him. She couldn't admit it to him. He was her best friend! _"If you tell him the truth you'll lose him"_ The little voice in her head said. He watched her walk away and followed.

"Baby girl, why do you keep walking away from me? What are you afraid of?" he asked her.

"Derek please don't" she pleaded.

"Talk to me. Please" he begged.

"Derek it's late and we need to get some sleep. We have a long drive tomorrow. I'll get some sheets and a blanket for you. Stay here tonight and we can pass by your house in the morning. At least you can get an extra hour of shut eye." She said determined to keep her emotions intact and her secret to herself.

Derek let out a sigh. He stood there looking at her for a minute before walking towards the door. "You're right; we need to get some sleep. I'm not that far, I'll just go home. I'll pick you up in the morning." He said as he opened the door and closed it behind him. He didn't move. He couldn't. He body leaned against the door. He could hear her walked up to the door and for a minute his heart skipped a beat. But when he heard her lock the door he knew it was over.

She leaned her forehead against the door, her hand placed against it. She began to sob. The voice in her head telling her it was for the best. _"If this is the right thing, why did it hurt so much?"_ She thought.

Hearing her cry was killing him. He turned around to knock but before his knuckles banged away he stopped. He was the reason she was crying. He did this. He leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes as his tears started to spill.

She kept hearing his voice in her head. _"I am capable of trusting. I don't trust easily but I trust you unconditionally"_ She needed to tell him. He needed to know! He was going away and she couldn't leave things between them like this. They're last night together couldn't be a lie. Not when he trusted her. She frantically unlocked the door and when she opened it she was surprised to see him standing there. She looked into his eyes and immediately knew she had to be honest.

"I can't do this without you. I don't want to be here without you. I know that's selfish and wrong but I don't want you to go. I'm not strong enough to let you go" she cried out. She was crying so hard she was having trouble breathing. "I love you. I've loved you for years. I tried to get you out of my system but I couldn't. I can't give my heart to anyone because I gave it to you a long time ago. You're deep inside my core and I can't….I can't.." she collapsed into his arms sobbing uncontrollably "I can't let you go. PLEASE Derek, please stay with me."

Derek wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. "Baby please don't cry. The only reason I took the job was to get away. I couldn't stay here and watch you walk into another man's arms night after night. Baby girl, I love you. You're my reason. My reason for smiling, my reason for living. You're my everything. It was never about the job. I know I should have said something but I was scared. I'm sorry but I didn't want to lose you." He said. He placed his finger under her chin and raised her face. He looked deeply into her eyes and kissed the tear that was once again rolling down her cheek.

"What about the transfer? She asked.

"I'll tell Hotch first thing in the morning." He said.

"And if you regret that decision later?" She asked.

"The only decision I regret is not being honest with you earlier. I should have told you a long time ago how I felt." He said.

He leaned into her and kissed. The kiss was gentle at first as they allowed their tongues to dance around each other. He deepened it as she wrapped her arms around his neck leaning her body against his. They walked in the house, never separating, and closed the door behind them. She bit his lower lip gently tugging at it as she looked into his eyes.

"Baby you know what you are to me? You're my reason for being. I love you" he said.

She swallowed hard and closed her eyes. If this was a dream she didn't want to wake up. "I love you too" she said as her eyes once again began to tear.

"Promise me something. No more tears. It tears me up inside to see you that way." He said wiping the new streams that appeared.

"I can't right now" she said as the tears came down.

He cupped her face and leaned in close enough to whisper "I can wait" and then he kissed her.


End file.
